Burn Out

I am burnt out, consumed by the immediate present. Lack of oxygen. Poof.

This sounds awfully dramatic, but it isn't really. It just takes a few days of just focusing on the bare necessities, and then I can light the match again to continue with the crazy that is our reality. Most days, I'll move through my motions like fire, unchanging, rolling over the little hills life naturally has. My mind and body burn fast and hot through those days, tackling a million things - right hand wiping a peanut butter and jelly face, left hand pouring water into a cup, one ear listening to the demands of my children, the other ear pressed to a cell phone, shirt sleeves tugged, brain finding order within a hurricane. Other days, it takes a small army to pull me out of my dark tent of lethargy, where every small task is the biggest burden. You know, days where you don't even want to put the new roll of toilet paper on the bar, because it's just one more thing you have to do.

The last few days have been like that - heavy. I can't find any motivation from the inside. Lucky for me, I've got two small people who provide plenty of external motivation. They need me, and I love that. This morning, I felt much better. Insert cheesy phoenix metaphor. But really, I do cycle like this. Fire, ashes, flight, fire, ashes, flight. The flight part of this sequence has been particularly long, but I can't sustain it forever without some kind of retreat and recovery. I've always been like this.

I'm sure it has something to do with my obsessive personality. I used to relish being consumed by something, caught in a tsunami of slow focus. But now I simply don't have the time for slow anything. The result is my intensity is scattered into a thousand bright pinpoints, and it's difficult for me to collect them all into one contained beam. I'm not a multi-tasker by nature. I'd much rather be submersed into one  activity at a time.

Don't get me wrong, I definitely have my hobbies. Too many hobbies. Writing, for example. But they are squeezed into the only spaces where they can survive. And in my case, sacrifices are made. Sleep. Well-rounded meals. A clean kitchen. Sleep. I'm terrible at time management, clearly. I need more time. There's too much I want to do. But not all at once, please.

This little person keeps me so busy. She and Kaden are my main hobbies now.

My little lady's favorite hobby lately... We dug out our old digital camera, and she's been having a heyday.

Just a quick note to document - Anika's is growing leaps and bounds, just in the past few weeks. Today she sat at the island barstool for probably an hour, painting and drawing. She even wrote four letters out in her notebook: A, U, O, and H. And we've never ever tried to do letters, at all. As I was doing the dishes, I heard her say "Mommy, I did a A!" So I looked over and, sure enough, there was an A. And she proceeded to write *two* more As as I watched her! If she's interested in writing, I'll foster this learning, absolutely. I'm proud of her!

Shootin' rockets!

I swear, I'm going to start putting her in brown, grey, or black pants only.
At preschool, she'll slide down the slide in any weather... We're investing in Oxiclean.

Rockets on the roof, of course. They cohabitate with frisbees and whiffle balls.

It started to rain...

I don't have any photos of Kaden - he's been too busy walking all over the place, and I've been staying close to him to catch any serious falls. I'll upload a video soon, with a post all his own, as is deserving of his huge milestone!

Back to the flight.