Falling Softly

We have had a lovely past few weeks, starting with Mother's Day weekend. What is Mother's Day weekend without plants and flowers? I wanted to put together some arrangements from my mom and mother-in-law, so we headed to our favorite off-the-beaten-path nursery - Gindhart's. 

You have to search a little for what you want, but the prices are great and the selection is decent. Anika had a great time picking out flowers. If she had her way she would have bought him out, I'm sure! She wanted to buy every single flowering plant there. We turned out heads for one minute, and she had our cart loaded to the brim!

It was also a struggle to keep her from dead-heading (alive-heading?) the flowers as we walked through the aisles. Hopefully, Mr. Gindhart didn't notice...

There was one downfall (ha ha) about the trip. While attempting to look more closely at a climbing fuchsia, I slipped on some of the mossy tarp and fell to the ground with Kaden in the Ergo! He almost hit his head on the cement walkway, just almost. It scared the beejeebuz out of him nonetheless, and me too. I actually screamed as I went down, and Ryan came running from another greenhouse. We were fine, just muddy. :) 

We (and by we I mean Ryan) also did a little bit of chainsawing. One of the old oak trees at Ryan's parents' place was dying and needed to be chopped down. Of course, Ryan jumps at any chance to use a chainsaw...

Anika watched excitedly from the window. She really wanted to come out - notice glass ripples on window.

It was a perfect fell. The oak went down between all the trees with nary a sound, just a slight swoosh as a few branches bent and broke.

Some other moments from last week...

Finger painting is almost a daily activity 'round here. We have a Anika-level cabinet where all the crafts are kept. She constantly brings me the paints, one by one, demanding to "ingerpain". 

In between raindrops, Ryan's been using his tractor any chance he can get, with Anika eager to help. 

We got to see Auntie Trina and Trese this past weekend too! It's always fun to see them. We are slackers and don't come up to Seaside to visit them often enough (read: never). We've been planning the trip up there for months, but haven't done it yet - soon!

They brought their adult size scooter - it was awesome! 

On a personal note, Kaden is officially weaned. I was hoping, like that old oak tree, to fall lightly... But it's been emotional and difficult for me. From the beginning, the experience hadn't been easy. He started out like Anika did, unable to bring in my milk fast enough due to his inefficient suck. Anika's inability was due to tongue-tie, but Kaden's was due to simply being born so abruptly and early - and having the mellowest come-what-may personality ever. I've thus spent many, many, many hours tethered to a pump. After feedings, before feedings, replacing feedings... And many, many hours nursing, with success and some failure. From 6 months until 9 months, I pumped after almost every single feed - exclusively pumping and breastfeeding at the same time, wasting my days away on the couch...

I know nursing isn't easy for anyone who does it, at least not at first. I definitely don't want to diminish that fact. I just want to document for myself that I tried hard to make it work. Hit with a slough of hindrances this last month - his first four teeth coming in (with four more closely following), a month long household bout of the cold and the flu, clogged ducts in both breasts, a loud-by-nature toddler, and a baby who would rather be doing anything but nursing - we are done.  

Weaning these past few weeks has been very emotional for me. Every other day, I changed my mind. I thought "I can do this, I shouldn't quit. I'll just slap on the pump and increase my milk supply. I'll just find better ways of keeping Anika occupied quietly while I nurse." I read online that nursing in a dark, quiet room is helpful for a distractible baby. Does anyone else see the irony in this advice? Um, I have an almost three-year-old. No place is dark and quiet in this house until 10 pm.

I wanted it to be easy. I wanted to land quietly. But then I think about it too hard, and tears fill my eyes. It was the physical root of Kaden's and my relationship, truly. It's the essential - food and shelter. It's been emotional to let it go and release myself from it, physically and mentally. With the exception of four months in 2010, in the latter half of Kaden's pregnancy, I've been nursing since 2008. It's played such a role in my life that I'm finding it hard to focus on what's I'm gaining, rather than what I'm losing. 

Perspective... perspective... perspective... balance.

I'm gaining: fully caffeinated cups of coffee, more than the occasional glass of wine or beer, peppermint tea, underwire bras, my body back, Ryan helping with feeds, freedom to spend extended time away

I'm losing: quiet alone time with Kaden, lingering snuggle sessions

I know there are huge positives in this change. We're all growing up, changing. But I'm still going to hold on to our last time together - Kaden eager and drowsy before his nap, rocking, eyes closed with dapples of afternoon sunlight through the blinds and on our faces, the fan softly humming, quiet bodies close and warm... I'm hanging onto that moment forever. 

Tractor Touchdown!

First, the BIG news. Last night was a six-hours-of-sleep-straight kinda night! 'Twas a beautiful thing.

In other news, we finally got our tractor yesterday! Or really I should say Ryan finally got his tractor, a John Deere 2520. Because I'm not the one who's been researching for years, or who comes home and watches tractor videos on the Internet, or who clapped like a little girl when he got it.

Okay, I actually did clap, but I wasn't the only one! Anika was thrilled too. She couldn't wait to get a ride on the tractor with daddy.

In all seriousness, it was a momentous big day for the hubs. He truly had been planning and looking forward to getting one for a long, long time. We've got big plans for a driveway turn around, more parking, planting some grass, an orchard and a garden (with rabbit- and deer-proof fence!), mounding another berm, and of course more trees.

Once the tractor was unloaded, and Ryan got some pointers on the mechanics and implements, he proceeded to till, grade, scoop, and ride until the sun went down... *sigh* Goodbye husband. But hello front yard!

As of last week, Kaden is now ten months old.

I still don't understand how that much time could go by so quickly. You'd think, as I've been getting exponentially less sleep this past year, that time would linger - that being awake for more of the day would make it longer. Makes sense, right? Usually, I'm looking forward to the next milestone so much I miss out on what is happening in the here and now. But not with Kaden. He's my last baby, and I so badly want to hang on to the small days with him. But every time I turn around, he's grown again. Why does he keep doing that?!

For example, his first tooth finally broke through this Monday. Bottom right, with the left one just about to bust through too. Kaden is also starting to get up on his hands and knees, getting ready to crawl. And grabbing drawer handles and baby gates to pull up on. But mostly he just rolls wherever he wants to go now. Kaden's like an soldier in combat; he spies where he wants to go and he just throws his head under and tosses his body over in one smooth, fast motion. He goes all over the place: into the kitchen and around the island, into the laundry room, mudroom, and especially the playroom. Goodbye safe, immobile baby. It's just another one of the lasts. Last swaddle. Last quiet nursing session (this is fast approaching). Last gummy grin that's mine, all mine. Milestones are so bittersweet. Lucky for me, with every last, there's a first too.

I remember when I was so worried about Anika's speech. At two years old, she was barely saying anything. At two and a half, she said maybe maybe 50 words. Now at almost three, I can't keep this kid from talk talk talking! I love it. She's so communicative in every way - her body, her tone, her words. She's been singing all kinds of songs: Ring Around The Rosy, Row Row Row Your Body, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Rockabye Baby, among others. She's becoming very musical lately. My mom gave me my old wood harp from my childhood last week, and Anika loves it. She's been playing her toy piano often too. Right before she begins, she'll hold her hands in the air and say "and one and two and..." and start playing, like she's conducting herself!

Her favorite sayings lately are:

"I made this for you!" as she holds up whatever drawing, cutout, project she's been working on
"Night night, sleep tight, dun light the bed bugs might!"
Immediately after waking in the morning: "Mommy, I wan my viamins. Dey help me wake up!"
"Me do it all by myself!"
"But it's my birthday!" (everyday is her birthday lately)
"Mommy, I wan go outside peeeeeze. I wan get dirdy."
Her response when we tell her no: "But I neeeeeeed to! I haaaaaave to!"
"Mommy, kai be loud now? Dat okay?"
"I wan my snack." (all day long)
When the phone rings: "I get it!"
When she crawls into bed with us in the wee morning hours: "No Mommy, it not sleep time. It wake time!"
If she's done something wrong: "Oooptie. My not meeeean to."
If something is broken or out of batteries - "Hmmm. I know! Let's tape it!"
As she holds her index finger in the air: "Hey, I have an idea!"
And I'm proud to say "please" and "thank you" are also in her repertoire of common phrases as well. :)

There's so many more... I'll have to start writing these down on a weekly basis, as they come and go, but I want to remember them all.

I find myself so envious of my children's lives sometimes. For example, Kaden is sleeping right now. At 12:39 pm! What a slacker!

Although I can't say much for myself today. I'm still in my pajamas and have devoured four delicious servings of goat cheese and crackers already, along with oatmeal, tea, and a stray M&M egg I found on a pantry shelf that Ryan must've overlooked at Easter time. It's a sorry lot of a day, cloudy and dark, shrouding my motivation. At least I've written something today, which always make me feel I've accomplished something... even if I don't have a bra on. :)

Blither Blather Blogger

I should know better than to wait for inspiration when writing a blog. My muse doesn't visit me often these days. I'm too busy cleaning up potty training accidents, cleaning up toys, cleaning bottoms, cleaning up something.... Even when she does pop in for a fleeting moment, a more mundane activity quickly shoos her on her way. The following will be mostly blather. You've been forewarned. :)

Today was a beautiful day. Spring has finally decided to come to nest, pushing Winter out, I hope. I think May is my favorite month of the year, with October coming in a close second. In May, everything is so alive. After such a long hibernation, it's so refreshing to feel the sun, to see and smell the green of everything.

Catching bubbles

These bubbles were cool, weird, and super sticky. They had a thick "skin" and lingered around even after landing. Anika loved them!

I've been planning for the kids' birthdays for the past few weeks. I'm excited about Anika's in particular this year. She knows definitively that her birthday is coming up and it will be day all about her. I'll ask her old she is going to be and almost without fail, she'll answer "Three! But I'm two now...", while holding up the appropriate number of fingers. For Anika's party, I've got a simple theme of polka dots planned. I thought about an Angelina Ballerina theme, but decided against going the route of a character. I've got big plans for her day. I've been dying to try my hand at the ever-popular cake balls, so I'll definitely have some of those. I'm picturing simple white powdered sugar frosting on the balls with rainbow sprinkles, a small smash cake with fondant or fruit roll up polka dots, barrettes with pom poms for Anika and cousin Lauren, melon balls, etc... etc.... I've made her a felt flag banner to put up, which was fun and simple.

I just glued on the letters with Fabri-Tac - I figure it doesn't need to be heirloom quality, but hopefully it will last through a few birthdays. I really want to make Anika a cape too, as she's taken to running around the house either her shirt or napkins or any other piece of fabric behind her yelling "Super Why to the rescue!", mimicking the main caped character of one of her favorite PBS shows. I love the polka dotted fabric included in the banner, so maybe I'll incorporate that into a cape somehow.

As for Kaden, I think I'll do pinwheels. Nothing elaborate, as he won't remember. Probably stick a pinwheel into a cake and call it a day. :)

Kaden, Anika and I continue to find our groove, or at least continue our search for it. I spend most of my time at home most days. One or both kids are napping at most times during the day. My schedule consists mostly of breastfeeding Kaden, feeding Kaden, feeding Anika, running to the bathroom to help Anika with the potty, or putting one of them down for a nap.

 I'm trying my best not to go crazy being at home so much by attempting to get out for the brief periods between naps. At the very least to go outside our house with Kaden to play with Anika for a while.

We don't have much of a front yard yet. It's all cement and mud, but there is one pile of compost mix that we trailered in that Anika has made into her own dirtbox. She loves to take her miniature shovel, rake, and gloves to go garden and fill up her John Deere dump truck.

Notice the little piles all over the driveway...

We had a nice low-key Easter this year. We spend the morning with the Johansons (I forgot my camera! :( ), came back for Anika's nap, and then Mom, Gretch, Dylan and Jak came over in the afternoon. The older I get, the more I enjoy having my family live close to me... I'd say there almost isn't a day that goes by that I don't talk to my sister or mom now. The kids know their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins and so love to spend time with them!

Coloring with Jak, who was forced against his will to wear a tutu...

Earlier in the week, I colored eggs with Anika during one of Kaden's naps, and Anika loved it. She couldn't quite master the wire egg dipper though. Most of the time the egg ended up falling off into the dye water, splashing color everywhere. We just gave up and used our hands, which was only slightly less splashful.

Note the inside-out backward shirt. Hey, at least it's on. That's a battle in and of itself most days.

In the next few days, I'm going to try and write an "I want to remember all these tiny details" post about my kids. Kaden is growing leaps and bounds, and Anika says and does the most adorable things, I've got to try and memorialize some of them here, for my own sake. Simple things like Anika singing lullabies to Kaden or the fact that she has to eat applesauce or yogurt with two spoons, always. Time speeds by and I wish I could slow it down a little sometimes. I can't believe my baby girl will be three, and my little man will be one in just a few weeks!

We just keep on truckin'!