Falling Softly

We have had a lovely past few weeks, starting with Mother's Day weekend. What is Mother's Day weekend without plants and flowers? I wanted to put together some arrangements from my mom and mother-in-law, so we headed to our favorite off-the-beaten-path nursery - Gindhart's. 

You have to search a little for what you want, but the prices are great and the selection is decent. Anika had a great time picking out flowers. If she had her way she would have bought him out, I'm sure! She wanted to buy every single flowering plant there. We turned out heads for one minute, and she had our cart loaded to the brim!

It was also a struggle to keep her from dead-heading (alive-heading?) the flowers as we walked through the aisles. Hopefully, Mr. Gindhart didn't notice...

There was one downfall (ha ha) about the trip. While attempting to look more closely at a climbing fuchsia, I slipped on some of the mossy tarp and fell to the ground with Kaden in the Ergo! He almost hit his head on the cement walkway, just almost. It scared the beejeebuz out of him nonetheless, and me too. I actually screamed as I went down, and Ryan came running from another greenhouse. We were fine, just muddy. :) 

We (and by we I mean Ryan) also did a little bit of chainsawing. One of the old oak trees at Ryan's parents' place was dying and needed to be chopped down. Of course, Ryan jumps at any chance to use a chainsaw...

Anika watched excitedly from the window. She really wanted to come out - notice glass ripples on window.

It was a perfect fell. The oak went down between all the trees with nary a sound, just a slight swoosh as a few branches bent and broke.

Some other moments from last week...

Finger painting is almost a daily activity 'round here. We have a Anika-level cabinet where all the crafts are kept. She constantly brings me the paints, one by one, demanding to "ingerpain". 

In between raindrops, Ryan's been using his tractor any chance he can get, with Anika eager to help. 

We got to see Auntie Trina and Trese this past weekend too! It's always fun to see them. We are slackers and don't come up to Seaside to visit them often enough (read: never). We've been planning the trip up there for months, but haven't done it yet - soon!

They brought their adult size scooter - it was awesome! 

On a personal note, Kaden is officially weaned. I was hoping, like that old oak tree, to fall lightly... But it's been emotional and difficult for me. From the beginning, the experience hadn't been easy. He started out like Anika did, unable to bring in my milk fast enough due to his inefficient suck. Anika's inability was due to tongue-tie, but Kaden's was due to simply being born so abruptly and early - and having the mellowest come-what-may personality ever. I've thus spent many, many, many hours tethered to a pump. After feedings, before feedings, replacing feedings... And many, many hours nursing, with success and some failure. From 6 months until 9 months, I pumped after almost every single feed - exclusively pumping and breastfeeding at the same time, wasting my days away on the couch...

I know nursing isn't easy for anyone who does it, at least not at first. I definitely don't want to diminish that fact. I just want to document for myself that I tried hard to make it work. Hit with a slough of hindrances this last month - his first four teeth coming in (with four more closely following), a month long household bout of the cold and the flu, clogged ducts in both breasts, a loud-by-nature toddler, and a baby who would rather be doing anything but nursing - we are done.  

Weaning these past few weeks has been very emotional for me. Every other day, I changed my mind. I thought "I can do this, I shouldn't quit. I'll just slap on the pump and increase my milk supply. I'll just find better ways of keeping Anika occupied quietly while I nurse." I read online that nursing in a dark, quiet room is helpful for a distractible baby. Does anyone else see the irony in this advice? Um, I have an almost three-year-old. No place is dark and quiet in this house until 10 pm.

I wanted it to be easy. I wanted to land quietly. But then I think about it too hard, and tears fill my eyes. It was the physical root of Kaden's and my relationship, truly. It's the essential - food and shelter. It's been emotional to let it go and release myself from it, physically and mentally. With the exception of four months in 2010, in the latter half of Kaden's pregnancy, I've been nursing since 2008. It's played such a role in my life that I'm finding it hard to focus on what's I'm gaining, rather than what I'm losing. 

Perspective... perspective... perspective... balance.

I'm gaining: fully caffeinated cups of coffee, more than the occasional glass of wine or beer, peppermint tea, underwire bras, my body back, Ryan helping with feeds, freedom to spend extended time away

I'm losing: quiet alone time with Kaden, lingering snuggle sessions

I know there are huge positives in this change. We're all growing up, changing. But I'm still going to hold on to our last time together - Kaden eager and drowsy before his nap, rocking, eyes closed with dapples of afternoon sunlight through the blinds and on our faces, the fan softly humming, quiet bodies close and warm... I'm hanging onto that moment forever.